Tuesday, November 25, 2008

He Humbles Us

I've said it more than once in recent months-- I just wish this year would get over. We have had our share of tragedies and uncertainties this year. More importantly we have had our share of little miracles.

It's the hard times that really make you take a step back and realize all the things that you have taken for granted.

I am truly humbled and grateful for all that I have been blessed with.

The biggest blessing that my eyes have been opened too is my husband. Both of us have changed. Our first seven years of our marriage was filled with turmoil and bitter feelings. Without divulging all the personal gory details, I'll share my short synopsis. I was self -righteous and unforgiving, while Dylan struggled with personal issues. Instead of being supportive, I threw it in his face. It was depressing to me, I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I talked to bishop after bishop seeking guidance, and I would be reminded that I married a good man who cared for me. This I knew was true, but I couldn't get past his stuff, that was keeping him from doing what I felt he should be doing.

Blah, blah, blah-- skip ahead to now-- Like a said we have faced so much as a couple in just this year alone, not to mention our entire marriage. Dylan has become the "glue of my earth." The man holds it all together for me. He has overcome his personal struggles that plagued me, and he has this spirit about him that calms me and blesses our home. When I'm flying off the handle, he grounds me and gives me comfort. His faith supersedes any I have seen.

For years, I am sad to say, I questioned the answer I received, when praying about getting married. This year has made me realize Heavenly Father truly knew what I needed. I needed this man, who would teach me the world is not about black and white. This life is about unconditional love regardless of our faults. This life is about faith, faith in God and faith in our fellow man.

I would not trade any of my experiences. I have learned so much and I am so thankful, for the humility I have gained. I know, that no matter how hard my life gets, I have my best friend to lean on, and even carry me through this storm. I am grateful I get to spend FOREVER with this man.

Monday, September 29, 2008

He Blesses Us With Children

As we talked about Alma in family home evening tonight. Our four year old asked about the prophet Abinadi and what happened to him. We explained that a mean king burnt him and he died. Our four year old then said, oh I know that story and then the king got fired too--I mean burnt. Dylan and I both sat their with out mouths agape. We both knew that information did not come from us. I asked her where she learned it. She replied, in my book, let me show you. She then went upstairs to her bookshelf and retrieved the old copy of the Book of Mormon reader that we have. She quickly opened to the page and showed us the pictures. I was astounded. Here she is, unable to read, but fully able to grasp the concept of the story in just a few pictures.

I was quickly reminded of Shahna's talk in stake conference, that deeply pierced my heart. She spoke of teaching our children the scriptures. Not watered down stories, but the actual scriptures. She taught that even small children are able to understand and grasp the scriptures. Tonight we witnessed living proof of this concept. Now its time as parents we step up to the plate, its obvious Claire is ready and waiting for us.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

He Reminds Us

It's amazing to me how in the midst of trials my relationship with my husband has become so much stronger. I have discovered this strong man, with so much faith. He amazes me and makes me realize how blessed I am. Each day I'm reminded of why I love this guy!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

He Give Us Prophets

I have soooooooo been procrastinating writing, and I have needed to badly. How quickly our lives change and we get so caught up in the day to day, we forget to stop and appreciate what we have. I feel as though I have been so ungrateful. Now as I am staring a bleak future in the face I look back and wish, I would have stopped and took more time to appreciate all that I have been blessed with.

Tonight as I sat at our General Relief Society Broadcast, I was reminded once again of how blessed I am. President Uchtdorf's talk really hit home for me. He first spoke on how we as women tend to undervalue our abilities. How we should be striving to please the Lord to the best of our abilities-- not perfectly but to the best of our abilities. He then spoke of finding happiness in this life-- something I have a really hard time with. He asked, what is the greatest kind of happiness? The answer God's happiness-- He went on to say that God is a God of CREATION and COMPASSION. This hit me so hard. For MONTHS I have had this burning within me to create and nurture and take care-- of what I don't know-- its been so intense I have almost felt lost. I have been out of control crafting and serving. I was beginning to feel kind of guilty for these feelings. Listening tonight made me realize that these are indeed inherent feelings that we must nurture and strengthen so that we can become more like God. He is the ultimate creator and nurturer. I need to have these desires and I need to find happiness through these things. Now I shouldn't be looking for happiness through receiving praise from others because of my creating or my service. But I should be seeking joy in the mere act of doing so.

I have found this recently-- Joy in service and creating-- amazing feelings arise within me as I have went out with the missionaries, or went visiting teaching, maybe just doing a simple favor, making something I've never made before, perfecting something, finding ways to bring joy to my husband or daughter. These things bring me JOY-- not what curtains I have, or what clothes I am wearing, or how big my house is-- those things are trivial. The thought of possibly having to work full time and losing my freedom to serve and create is what terrifies me most. I love being available if a friend needs help, or taking a day to sit in my studio and create till my hearts content I cherish these moments with all of my heart. Too the point of selfishness almost.

President Uchtdorf quoted President Hinckley as saying, "The more we serve our fellow man the more substance there is to our souls."

I can't tell you the times when I was emotionally and spiritually in anguish-- the only thing to relieve this pain was SERVICE-- Thank You to the Bishop that made me compassionate service leader, thank you to my Aunt who made me the Assistant coach for her little girls softball team, thank you to the Bishop that made me Young Women's president. All took place when I was being swallowed by anguish in my life.

Work does cure your grief! Serving others is such a blessing to ones life. I've had people ask me why I like to go out with the Sister Missionaries, and as I have pondered this I've realized, number one, because I have always wanted to serve a mission, but number two because of the way I feel the rest of the day, and the next few days-- my soul is fed and joy literally abounds.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is such a glorious thing-- it brings me peace and direction in my life. I am so blessed to be a member of Christ's church, to know that I am a daughter of God, to know that my time on this Earth is to be creating and rejoicing and taking care of one another. I only hope to remember this-- to strive to appreciate all the joy and beauty that surrounds me. I know that if I am faithful to the covenants and commandments I have been given, my life will be blessed and I will need not fear.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

He Answers Our Prayers

I have had the chance to go out with the Sister Missionaries quite a few times lately. I love it!!! I wish I had time to go every day. Today while I was with them a prayer was answered in a mysterious way.

With Dylan's store not doing well and not knowing from one day to the next if we will have a job, I have been contemplating going back to teaching. In fact last Sunday, I was in the "I suck as a mom" mode and thought, Claire would probably be better off with someone else and I should go back to work. Quickly, a plan formed in my little pea brain. Everything seemed like it would work. Of course this whole little tangent occurred on the way to church. As I sat through church I was quickly reminded why I stay home. All those reasons I feel it important to stay home, especially that this will be my last year home with Claire. But, I still was thinking that going back to work still my be the right thing to do.

Fast forward to this morning. The missionaries called around nine to see if I would be able to go on a visit with them. Me, not having too many responsibilities had an open afternoon and I said that I would love to. I went and it was wonderful, the spirit was strong I got to bear testimony of Eternal Families. I then dropped the Sisters at their next appointment and went home.

An hour later I get a phone call from the Sisters asking if their keys were in my car and checked and they weren't. The sister's showed up on my doorstep second later to check. Nope, no car keys. So I offered to take them back to our original appointment, cause they couldn't get a hold of the gal by phone.

Long story short, the keys were there. Here's the kicker. While I am driving the Sisters back to their house, one of the Sisters is expressing her sincere appreciation for my help. And it hit my like a ton of bricks. This is why I stay home-- so I can serve.

Things are tight, there's no doubt about it. We have also not been living very frugally for the last little while. We need to make some sacrifices on our part. If I were working I would not only miss out on raising my daughter, but I would miss out on all the opportunities there are out there to serve others and build Heavenly Father's Kingdom. My mother has always been a great example of this.

I know that he loves us and will take care of us. I also know that I am here on this Earth to do His work. The Lord takes care of his people. I do have a testimony of that.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

He Answers Our Prayers

Things have been quite tight financially since me quitting babysitting and my surgery. Yesterday I did our budget and was thrown into a deep despair. We were going to be in the red this pay period. NOT good. I was stressing and panicking and stressing and panicking. Then the spirit reminded me, everything will work out, it will be okay. Like normal I dismissed this and continued to stress.

This morning I took on the depressing task of balancing with the bank statement. But this time it wasn't so depressing. When all was said and done the bank statement said I had fifty more dollars than my register said, what???? So, I began my research. Sure enough I found a bill I had written in twice. It was almost the exact amount I needed in my account to keep us from overdrawing until payday tomorrow. Coincidence, I think not.

Does this solve my long term financial situation-- NO, but it once again reminds me to have faith. I sometimes think that Heavenly Father is beating me over the head with this stuff and I am still not getting it. What's it going to take for me to get a clue-- Sarah, he listens to your prayers, he knows what you need.

For this upcoming financial stress I want to have faith that things will work out. I don't want to stress. I want to work hard to prove myself and let Heavenly Father take over. I know and believe that he loves me and knows my hearts desire, he's just waiting for me to get with the program.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I Have Seen His Hand

Once again my life has stared the unthinkable in the face. I came home from a month at my mothers and found myself pregnant. Yeah!!!! Not! From the minute I found out I was pregnant there was no excitement. . . none. I was worried because I hadn't been feeling well, I was worried cause I miscarried in February, I was worried because our insurance was cancelled by our employer last month. This pregnancy did not bring the joy the other two had.

There was a reason for that. This pregnancy brought with it a grapefruit sized cyst, a whole lot of pain, a humongous price tag, and no baby.

I am grateful for the priesthood blessing, that I know played a roll in saving my life. I had been bleeding internally for quite a while. I am grateful for that monster cyst that caused me so much pain I had to get things checked out, otherwise I think I would have ignored the other signs. I am grateful for the people who are in my life right now, who make it a little easier to bear this stinking burden. I am thankful for my husband who keeps putting up with me. I am thankful for my innocent daughter who has such simple faith and hope. I know that I am blessed. I know that my life has been spared. I may not feel like it should have been right now, but I know that I have a mission on this Earth. I know that I need to get over myself and focus on what I can be doing to bless the Kingdom of My Heavenly Father.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

He Reminds Us That He's There

Dylan's job is not in a very good place right now. We really don't know how long it will last. This has caused a lot of stress at our house. So yesterday, when we found out that Dylan's three small student loans had been paid off by the lender, we were reminded. Reminded that Heavenly Father is there. This is something that doesn't happen by mere coincidence. This truly is a blessing.
It doesn't matter that is wasn't thousands of dollars that were forgiven, but it does matter that we recognize it as a blessing from him. The stress has been not fun, and this was just a small testimony to me that He watches over us, and that regardless of what happens, he will take care of us.
I have had very little faith in this whole process the last few weeks. I've just had this pit in my stomach that we will be homeless. That's me the worry wort. Dylan, on the other hand, has kept saying that everything will work out okay. I now know that it might be hard, but we will make it through.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

He Reminds Us

Thank you to the wonderful sisters that I visit teach. I was reminded today that Visiting Teaching is truly an inspired program. I cannot count how many times visiting teachers have blessed my life. I am so grateful that I get the opportunity to pay it forward. He sends us to help each other.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

He Answers Our Prayers

Last night before bed Claire prayed that our family would be safe in the storm. When 4:30 a.m. rolled around and we were huddled in the closet I was mumbling the same prayer. After driving around neighboring cities today, I feel so blessed. It was a terrible storm that ripped through here last night, and we managed to escape unscathed. Others were not so lucky, trampolines lying in the streets. Whole fences blown over. Lots of trees snapped in half. Many swimming pools filled with fence. And Claire's basketball is sitting in the same spot it was yesterday. How??? He really does answer our prayers.

Monday, March 31, 2008

He Inspires Us

The last few days I feel I have been inspired by my Heavenly Father.

1. I met with the Bishop yesterday for my temple recommend interview. After talking with him I walked away with a renewed faith and inspiration that my Heavenly Father really does know me, and recognizes how hard I work to do what is right.

2. We had the opportunity to see Gladys Knight and her SUV choir last night. I was so INSPIRED. Her testimony and her husbands were beautiful and the music was amazing. We are so blessed to have great music in our lives.

3. I have been really struggling to find my place in my calling. There are many factors here, and I have just been frustrated. Today, as I was fuming about it I prayed to know what to do. It was amazing the peace and comfort I felt after that. The thoughts and quotes and scripture that came to mind. Heavenly Father knows the intent of my heart, I want to serve him. He inspired me to know what to do and the appropriate way to do it.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

He Knows What We Need

Eight years ago, Dylan and I were married in the Salt Lake Temple. Both of us were naive, as each newlywed couple is. Never in a million years would I have thought that I could learn and experience so much. Never in a million years would I have expected the heartache, the trials, the joys, and the growth that I have experienced in the last eight years.
I'm one of those people who always needs a plan, and like every new bride the plan in my head eight years ago was very different from the plan that I am living today. Many times I have been frustrated because things haven't gone "as planned". If I have learned anything it's that He (My Heavenly Father) is in control not me, and the I need to be more willing to submit to and have faith in His plan.
The one thing that I am sure of is, that when I married my husband, Heavenly Father knew what I needed. I needed someone who would open my eyes, show me the world in a new way, and teach me patience, love and most of all forgiveness.
We are here on this Earth to become like Him, this eternal marriage thing isn't perfect from the get go (oh, how I wish it was) the struggle and journey prove to be fruitful. I have seen these fruits already, watching my non-member father in-law become a member, teaching my daughter the gospel, having a husband who is temple worthy, having a livlihood that supports our family. I am sure there are many more great things to come. I know that Heavenly Father knows what I need. I am so glad that I need Dylan.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

He Reminds Us

Small, but simple this one is.

Yesterday morning, in that stage between sleep and awake. My thoughts were turned to my bank account balance. Then, it turned to the date, and then it hit me how much money was in my bank account, and that today our car insurance, and savings deduction would come out today. I knew I had already recorded these expenses in my register, but the figure I was remembering online would not allow for these deductions.

Then panic. I was now awake. I ran to the computer and started to do a little research. I had indeed forgotten these monthly deductions that would process at any moment. I had plenty of time to move money around, but had I not taken care of it, I would have had one terrible day yesterday.

Later, I was thinking, why would I think of that yesterday. Why didn't I remember earlier, then it hit me. . . Sarah you didn't remember, you had forgotten, He reminded you.

Too often we look at what we think are coincidences and think wow, what a coincidence. I don't think we give credit where credit is due. I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father. He watches over me. I also know that I have been given the Gift of the Holy Ghost. When I listen I am guided, and I am blessed.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I Need To Wake Up!

The last few weeks have left me feeling spiritually asleep. The first week after the miscarriage I prayed a lot and studied and felt prayers were answered. Then, I don't know if it was to cover the emotions I was feeling or what, but I just stopped feeling. As a result I've been focussing on everything, but my spirituality, trying not to get caught up in things that make me feel. So, sorry for the dry spell here. I know that my burdens would be lighter if I would take a little more time to recognize what I have been given. Unfortunately, I have these blinders on that only allow me to see negative.
One thing I have been totally aware of are the people Heavenly Father has surrounded me with. Wow, its amazing what a few good friends can do. I have been blessed by the wonderful friends I have who have made an effort to be there for me. I am so grateful for this right now. Thank You!

Monday, February 25, 2008

He Gives Us Blessings

After talking with my mom today, I started thinking what our life would be like if we were still living in Idaho right now. Quickly I thought we are so blessed to be in Texas right now. The economy in Idaho, took a serious dive right after we left. I don't think we could have escaped the recourses of this. I feel that we were definately blessed, by this opportunity. It is sad being far away from family, but I feel that we are here for a reason, and I know that are lives are better because of it.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Reminds Us That He Is In Control

Let me tell you a few things that have shown me the hand of God and then I will tell you why.

1. Dylan's Parents being here this weekend
2. The people I babysit for, calling yesterday to tell me my schedule is changed and I won't have to babysit this week.
3. Little promptings here and there that things aren't okay.
4. A wonderful supportive husband
5. Watching a movie, that we were expecting to be funny, but was really about dealing with hard times in marriage.
6. Having a child that has a complete understanding of the gospel.
7. Praying to know what do to and being prompted to go to the ER
8. Praying for peace and comfort and finding it around every corner.

Last night we visited the ER. Long story short I have miscarried. As I laid my head down at 4:00 a.m. to finally go to sleep, all that kept going through my head was the many things that were put into motion with out my control.

1. Dylan's parents didn't know I would miscarry this weekend and we would need their help, they didn't even know we were pregnant yet. They usually go home on Monday when they come but decided at the last minute to ask for an extra day off.
2. Yesterday we were sightseeing with Dylan's parents, and I got a phone call from the people that I babysit for. They were out of town but called to let me know that their schedule has changed and that I would not have to babysit this week. When I got off the phone, I had this prompting that there definately was a reason that this happened.
3. All last week I was feeling that something was not right, but I ignored those promptings. 4. Dylan, could I ask for a stronger man? He has been so great and has known exactly what to say.
5. Yesterday evening, we went with the in-laws to pick a movie at Blockbuster, someone picked up Why Did I Get married? (one of the guys) we all thought it would be funny, while it had a few funny parts it was pretty serious, and was about different couples handling challenges in their marriages. A great reminder before you realize that you have to go to the ER.
6. When I got home from the hospital last night, all I wanted was to have Dylan hold me and me hold Claire. We talked about things this morning and this kid is such a blessing in my life. She understands, and she even was sad, but she completely understood that our baby was with Heavenly Father and things were okay. Granted she wanted to go to the baby store and buy a new baby, but she did understand.
7. As I ignored previous promptings, last night when I realized that something was definately not right, I cried, and cried and got down on my knees, I was scared. I didn't know what I should say if I were to call the Doctor's office in the morning. I didn't know if I was overreacting. I didn't know what to do. I climbed into bed and worried some more. I went to the Bathroom again, and was strongly prompted to go to the ER. Once again I wanted to ignore this prompting, thinking that I was being over cautious. This time though it wouldn't go away, and I listened.
8. Last night I also prayed to find peace and comfort with what ever happened. While I was scared before we went to the hospital, once we were there I was fine. When we recieved the news I was sad, which is what is to be expected. Then as my fabulous husband and I talked on the car ride home, and when we went to bed, he knew what to say and I knew what he was saying is true.

I know that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me!! I know that he has a plan for each of us. We are free to choose, but God's will is stronger than mans and He knows all. He knows what I need, He knows that I can bear this burden, He loves me. Sometimes we need reminded that it is not in our hands. It's in God's.

Monday, February 18, 2008

He Answers Our Prayers

We have been doing infertility for six months now. Two weeks ago was my clomid check. The day before was fast Sunday. Dylan and I decided to fast and pray to know if we should keep doing this. Unfortunately, we didn't feel like we got an answer. I went to the Dr. the next day, I was late, not having started my cycle. The Dr. had me take a urine pregnancy test and it was negative. I came home devastated. I just felt like I could not go through another month of nothing. But, my cycle never started. I tested a few days later and it was positive. Yea!!! We are going to have a baby. As I look back, we probably didn't feel like we recieved an answer because we already had one, and just didn't know it. I love how Heavenly Father always reminds us that he is in charge and not us. I have been extremely worried about things this time around. I am so blessed to know that I can kneel down at any time and call upon my Father in Heaven and find comfort and solace in him. He really does answer our prayers!!

Saturday, February 2, 2008

He Inspires Us Through Great Leaders

I watched President Hinckley's funeral today and was deeply moved. Moved to the point of tears, and to the point of wanting more for myself.

I have been going through the motions for so long, but not tuly investing myself in my spiritual growth. Just recently I have felt prompted that I needed more. . . more than I have been doing spiritually. I have this desire to do better, and feel like I am only getting worse and more lax in my spirituallity. For the last month I have tried to make a more concerted effort to work harder at the things I know I need to be doing, and Satan has done everything to keep me from moving forward.

As I listened and was reminded of this great man, and all that he did, I realized that he was just a man. I also realized that this is God's work and that with his help I can accomplish anything. I truly want more for me and my family. I have been lacking in faith. I am so grateful for the reminder that this is what I should be doing. That if I so desire to become a better person, that He will help me if I call on Him. I am so grateful for President Hinckley and his example. Because of him I want to be the best possible person that I can be.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

He Answers Our Prayers

We have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. In September I visited with my Doctor and began fertility medication. I ovulated for the first two month on meds, but we did not get pregnant. So, we decided to up the dosage and see if that would make me more fertile.

Unfortunately, the following two months I did not ovulate. We have been wondering what is going on, and its been looking like we will have to pursue more invasive measures. As I sat in the Doctors office two weeks ago I was on the verge of tears wondering why? The thought came to me, you need to have faith and be more prayerful. I must admit, the first thought in my head was, is it even possible to have more faith and be more prayerful? But I knew the answer to that question.

This experience has brought me closer to Heavenly Father and made me realize a strength within myself I didn't know I had, its helped me find peace. I have always been wound so tightly, and this has made me realize there is so much that I am not in control of and that I have to have faith and submit to his will.

This morning a prayer was answered, after two months of thinking that there might not be any hope left, I ovulated. Now I know that this doesn't mean that I'll be pregnant tomorrow, but it does mean that there's still a chance. His hand is everywhere in everything we do, in every aspect of our lives. He knows what we need.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I Have Seen His Hand

Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend a new member baptism. It was amazing and I felt the spirit so strongly. This woman had such a fire with in her. It was a great reminder of how good it feels when you share the gospel.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

He Reaches Out Through Others

Today was back to the grindstone as usual. It felt like the Christmas break lasted unusually long for us this year. With that said it was back to visiting with friends and letting Claire play. I am always amazed with how much my life is blessed by the others who surround me. I love being able to have friends who can tell me anything, or vice versa. I love having someone to call when I have a bad day, and I love knowing that there are people who feel they can call me when they are having a bad day. Too often we forget that we are not here for ourselves. We are here to make sure that everyone of our brothers and sisters make it back to our Heavenly Father. We are here to bless each others lives.

Monday, January 14, 2008

He Gives Us What We Need

My sister came to visit last week and it was great! While she was here she recieved some not-so-nice life altering news. While it did put a damper on the week, it also allowed us to talk and discuss things we wouldn't ordinarily discuss. I was reminded many times last week that Heavenly Father does indeed have a plan for us. It may not always be the way we have planned. It may not be fun or easy. But he ALWAYS gives us what we need. It's so easy to forget this, because we get so caught up in ourselves. I know that I all I have in this life is because if Him. I have been so blessed and I am forever grateful for this journey I get to make.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

I Have Seen His Hand

Yesterday, an unknown person did something by mistake. It had me mad and frustrated because I thought someone I knew did something behind my back. As a result, I was forced to confront my feelings regarding this person. I am so thankful that this unknown person made a mistake. I was able to get my feelings off my chest and resolve the concerns that I had. If I had continued on with these feelings it would have been detrimental to the goals I have set out to accomplish. I need to remember that I am an instrument in his hands. We all are. We must get past the natural man and love and serve one another. That is what he would have us do.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

We Get To Choose

I love that Heavenly Father's Plan is that we get to choose. The beginning of this new year I am glad that I get to choose. Choose to continue in my state of misery and woe or change my life for better. Okay, I may not be in a state of misery and woe, but it sounded good. We all complain about resolutions and making them because they are never accomplished. Who chooses that? We choose to accomplish our goals or not. Being the person that I am I always have this strange prodding in myself that I need to do better. That is what I choose, to do better. I have so many area's of improvement. So many things to accomplish. I've wondered if I post them on a blog, or shout them from the rooftops would I feel more accountable. Probably not. In my rebellious heart I would more than likely be prone not to do it just to spite you all. Heaven forbid I let myself succeed. So, I know that I need to make specific goals, I feel that any improvement is better than staying in the same place or regressing each year. That is why I just want to do better.

Do better with:

Scripture Study
Being Healthy
Spending Time with my child
Temple Attendance
Having A baby --- I don't know if this is in my power anymore but I am sure I can do better
Nagging--- not being a better nagger, do less of it
Praising my husband
Family Home Evening
Our Finances/Living on a budget
Listening to the spirit
Watching tv
Being a friend

At the end of 2008, I want to look back on my list and say I did better. Even if I only lost one pound, or stopped watching one soap opera, or completed the Book of Mormon only one time. I will know that I have done better. No more thinking I have to be perfect. I know it's impossible. I know that Heavenly Father wants be to do my best and be trying with all my might, I would give nothing less, unfortunately I always expect so much more. So, enough with the crazy ramblings. I will do better. I have aired my dirty laundry. Now I'm going to try to climb over that pile.