Look to the LIGHT

He Gives Us Bitter To Know The Sweet

I have been going through one of the toughest times ever in my life. My spirituality has definitely not been what it should be in these last few months. I have felt as though I am lacking? Of what I have not been too sure.

Things have just been hard in general, it has seemed like one bad day after another. I've tried hard to stay positive and overcome, but its been hard. Because I've been having what seems to be like more bad days than good days as of late, I have been really hard on myself, and thinking there must be something wrong with me. I really thought I must being losing it. Normal people aren't angry and mad like I have been. Normal people don't have consecutive bad days.

While attending stake conference today I heard some of the most inspired words, it was as though they were just for me, the speaker was quoting someone as saying that it was normal to have highs and lows in life. It's normal to have bad days and periods of depression. This is one way we are tried by our Heavenly Father. Its who we choose to become during these periods that proves who we are.

I know that these hard times won't last forever. I know that there is peace and happiness at the end of this dark tunnel. Most of all I know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. Who inspires those around me to guide me through this maze of life. And sometimes when I feel I am so lost, he provides the light to help me find my way.
I am truly blessed to know the bitter and the sweet.

He Lets Us Choose Our Path

The past few weeks have been fraught with stress and turmoil. (What's new right?) We found out that the assets of Dylan's previous job were being sold and the store taken over. Mixed emotions soon followed. Shock, disbelief, and anger, were just a few. We have spent the last two weeks trying to prove that we had some claim to the business and should have had an first opt to buy.

To those of you who are confused, I'll clarify. Dylan has been working his buns off the last few months building his business through existing customers in our area. He has been quite successful, just on a smaller scale than before. We were comfortable with the way things were going. The sale of the assets greatly affected our progress. Not only would the customers we've been serving go back to where they were buying from because there would now be a store again, but any future customers would more than likely disappear too. We saw what we had slowly been building crumble in a matter of minutes.

My body was physically ill. The stress level has been through the roof. My husband, cool as a cucumber has been enjoying the intensity and his clarity of mind every step of the way. That's why I married this man.

So, we were faced with the dilemma, to fight or not to fight-- for the business that is. We were lacking one major key-- MONEY-- or so we thought. As we were faced with yet another stumbling block it became quickly apparent that our previous choices in choosing to live a different financial lifestyle the last few months had us prepared for just this situation, that and Dylan has been putting any penny earned from helping customers right back into his business, we have not personally seen a cent of it. So, as usual when faced with the thought of having to come up with money, our first thought was, no way. We can't do it. We don't have the money. And of course a million other excuses. As we continued to discuss, pray and take a deep personal inventory of what we want and have planned for our future, things unseemingly began to make sense and fall into place.

Something did not sit right with us purchasing the assets of the business, it may have had something to do with feeling strong-armed into a lease in a not so good location, for an outrageous price for the next three years on top of the purchase price. After fasting and prayer, we both decided to just let it go. It was amazing that as soon as this choice was made, the bank called to inform us of our lending options for the business-- we have lending options??? We have found better retail locations for more reasonable prices. And so on and so forth.

I realized yesterday, that sometimes Heavenly Father just waits for us to make a choice, and then clears a path once the choice has been made. We are on this earth to exercise our agency, not to be told what to do, but to decide what is best for us to do. I am so blessed to have the power of prayer in my life.

On a side note, last night in family home evening we were discussing the power of prayer and Heavenly Father answering them. The topic of us praying for a baby came up. My sweet, tender-hearted, all knowing child spoke very plainly, and answered a prayer that I have been thinking has gone unanswered. She said, "Mom, maybe Heavenly Father wants us to get a baby by adopting. I think that you are only going to have one baby and that's me." Yes, people she's four, and more aware of things than I can ever give her credit for. Once again, I think Heavenly Father is allowing us to make a choice, all he is waiting for is us to exercise faith in knowing that he will provide a way for us.

He Places In Our Path Angels

I am forever amazed at the people who have come into my life at certain times. Its as though Heavenly Father is handing me a neon sign saying, "I told you I am here and know what you need."

As I have been fighting to stay spiritually afloat the last few months there are a few people whose testimonies and strength have buoyed me, in my lack of spiritual strength. I have truly struggled with going back to work. Which might seem silly, but it has made me question just about every aspect of my life. I don't quite understand why this is so hard for me. At this time I have been blessed to work with the most amazing woman in the Relief Society presidency. She has been through so much in her life and her resiliency and faith are amazing. She has overcome so much, and continues to be so strong, even when I think I would not be able to go any farther, she continues to amaze.

As I have suffered through my poor me mentality, I have watched this woman. I have come to realize a few things. 1st that I am pretty selfish and judgemental. 2nd I am constantly reminded of how Heavenly Father works in VERY mysterious ways.

I spent Saturday evening in tears with my husband, not knowing if any aspect of my life was what I wanted. After wallowing in my self-pity and deciding I was being rediculus, and I have a little work to do on myself, I realized how judgemental I have been at certain times in my life, only to turn around and be in some of the exact situations that I had been judgemental about.

I hope that I am learning, to love and accept all my brothers and sisters and not judge them. I also hope that I am improving myself, despite my weaknesses. I know now, the things I am experiencing are to make me stronger. I also know that we are on this Earth to learn from and strengthen each other.

He Calms Our Troubled Hearts

Since September we have been holding our breath. Dylan got the call that the store was floundering and his boss was thinking of calling it quits. It was amazing how blessings appeared out of the woodwork. Little things here and there. But the feelings of anxiousness didn't subside. I continued to stress and wonder what was going to happen to our little family.

I had plenty of time to observe friends living through, what I knew my family surely would face. During this time, I welcomed advice and took careful notes.

I feel blessed to go through this trial, when so many others are experiencing the same thing. Its bittersweet. Yet, I can't imagine how much harder it would be if we were the only ones.

One crucial piece of advice, that I truly feel was inspired, was from the dearest of friends. She shared with me of how she and her husband prayed, fasted, and attended the temple with a very specific purpose and plan. She bore her testimony of the peace they found after taking these small steps.

Prayers have left my lips, millions of times over, ever since my mouth could utter words. Never before did it occur to me to create my own detailed and specific plan, not to mention developing this plan with my spouse. I felt as though my teenage spirit had just entered adulthood.

Sure I had prayed for things before, and you would think that I would have even created some kind of plan in the past. But truly, I really only think I've prayed for help with A, or to know if B or C was the right thing to do. Never did I say, Okay, this is what we feel we want/need x, y, and z. And this is how we are going to do it and we would like to do it within this time line. Please give us confirmation.

To many of you this may seem like information I should have learned in primary, but it truly never occurred to me to approach my trials in this manner.

I discussed the idea with Dylan and we decided we had nothing to lose and the whole world to gain. In January we attended the temple. Planning, discussing, and praying before we entered those hallowed doors. When we left, it was amazing, but we both walked away with the same exact feelings. One of which was PEACE.

Within a week things that were out of our hands were set into motion. A job offer for me. It left us confused, but quickly that confirming peace was there.
Within a month, news of Dylan's job coming to a real end. We didn't even seem to bat an eye at this. Total and complete peace.

Within two weeks, my frustration with Dylan's lack of job searching was coming to a head, when he approached me with, not just one miracle, but a handful. Offers were made, trust was given, and my husband tells me he wants to open his OWN store.

Don't forget I'm the one lacking faith in this relationship. So true to form. I put on the brakes. Causing opposition and anger all around me. I second guessed everything. I mean really, him losing his job, was supposed to be his chance to get a real job, with benefits, and a chance to move up and all those necessities I'd been longing for. My force of opposition was gaining strength now, and of course, my feelings of peace had dissipated.

The one thing that kept screaming to me loud and clear was, you need to talk with your bishop. I begged Dylan to make an appointment. He wouldn't-- see he's just as stubborn as I am-- so I did.

The counsel we recieved was, you need to make this decision together. He gave us other great counsel too, but he kept coming back to us making this decision together. All I could think was-- wait a second. We did make this decision together. Two months ago at the temple. Everything felt right then, what has changed?

The peace in my heart was back. My eyes were opened.

Dylan and I talked, we discussed. We refined our plan and again, we will fast and pray, and take it to the Lord. I know, we both know the answer. But it never hurts to make sure. Because we are human, and there must be opposition in all things. That's what this life is all about, knowing the bitter from the sweet.

He Humbles Us

A week ago, Sunday an anonymous gift was graciously left on our doorstep. Dylan and I were shocked and even stunned. I wish I could say that it was easy to recieve this gift-- but it was not. Because we both are prideful. Dylan was mad at me for blabbing about our situation. I was a little embarrassed too. In the midst of our prideful arguing-- I came to a realization and expressed it with Dylan. We needed to accept this act of service. We have served diligently and will continue to serve-- we love how we feel when we serve and we love knowing that we are also serving our Heavenly Father-- doing what He would have us do. Never before have we been in a situation where we have needed others to serve us-- accepting service is sometimes harder than giving it. Together we realized how we needed to allow others to serve us-- no matter how hard it might be.

This act of service was invaluable because as a result it made Dylan and I create a plan, and pray about our plan and what we want and need for our family. We attended the temple searching and praying for answers. We both walked away with the same answer and have found peace with our situation.

Thank you to whomever blessed our lives-- and what Dylan and I want more than anything is to be able to be in a position in the future to bless lives as you have blessed ours. Your gift meant more to us than you could ever know.

He answers our prayers, he humbles us when we won't listen and he loves us unconditionally-- these things I now with a surety.

I Have Seen His Hand

With the coming of the new year, Dylan and I decided to cast out all that had gone wrong in 2008. Literally. We wrote each one down on a slip of paper and discussed them briefly and then threw them in the fireplace. As we began writing we both noticed how some of the hard things, or things that had gone wrong had indeed been blessings in our lives.

As we've struggled through the last year, especially with Dylan's job, we've both had the same feeling. The feeling is what we are going through is supposed to be happening and it will turn out to be a blessing to us. It's been so hard for me sometimes to have faith at look at things this way. Especially when it seems the whole world is against you and there is no end in sight. Taking a moment last night to look back, I realized how truly blessed I am.

My husband and I have overcome many things together our relationship couldn't be stronger. I am looking forward to this next year regardless of what it has to offer. I know that if we continue to do what is right our lives will be blessed.

He Humbles Us

I've said it more than once in recent months-- I just wish this year would get over. We have had our share of tragedies and uncertainties this year. More importantly we have had our share of little miracles.

It's the hard times that really make you take a step back and realize all the things that you have taken for granted.

I am truly humbled and grateful for all that I have been blessed with.

The biggest blessing that my eyes have been opened too is my husband. Both of us have changed. Our first seven years of our marriage was filled with turmoil and bitter feelings. Without divulging all the personal gory details, I'll share my short synopsis. I was self -righteous and unforgiving, while Dylan struggled with personal issues. Instead of being supportive, I threw it in his face. It was depressing to me, I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I talked to bishop after bishop seeking guidance, and I would be reminded that I married a good man who cared for me. This I knew was true, but I couldn't get past his stuff, that was keeping him from doing what I felt he should be doing.

Blah, blah, blah-- skip ahead to now-- Like a said we have faced so much as a couple in just this year alone, not to mention our entire marriage. Dylan has become the "glue of my earth." The man holds it all together for me. He has overcome his personal struggles that plagued me, and he has this spirit about him that calms me and blesses our home. When I'm flying off the handle, he grounds me and gives me comfort. His faith supersedes any I have seen.

For years, I am sad to say, I questioned the answer I received, when praying about getting married. This year has made me realize Heavenly Father truly knew what I needed. I needed this man, who would teach me the world is not about black and white. This life is about unconditional love regardless of our faults. This life is about faith, faith in God and faith in our fellow man.

I would not trade any of my experiences. I have learned so much and I am so thankful, for the humility I have gained. I know, that no matter how hard my life gets, I have my best friend to lean on, and even carry me through this storm. I am grateful I get to spend FOREVER with this man.

He Blesses Us With Children

As we talked about Alma in family home evening tonight. Our four year old asked about the prophet Abinadi and what happened to him. We explained that a mean king burnt him and he died. Our four year old then said, oh I know that story and then the king got fired too--I mean burnt. Dylan and I both sat their with out mouths agape. We both knew that information did not come from us. I asked her where she learned it. She replied, in my book, let me show you. She then went upstairs to her bookshelf and retrieved the old copy of the Book of Mormon reader that we have. She quickly opened to the page and showed us the pictures. I was astounded. Here she is, unable to read, but fully able to grasp the concept of the story in just a few pictures.

I was quickly reminded of Shahna's talk in stake conference, that deeply pierced my heart. She spoke of teaching our children the scriptures. Not watered down stories, but the actual scriptures. She taught that even small children are able to understand and grasp the scriptures. Tonight we witnessed living proof of this concept. Now its time as parents we step up to the plate, its obvious Claire is ready and waiting for us.

He Reminds Us

It's amazing to me how in the midst of trials my relationship with my husband has become so much stronger. I have discovered this strong man, with so much faith. He amazes me and makes me realize how blessed I am. Each day I'm reminded of why I love this guy!

He Give Us Prophets

I have soooooooo been procrastinating writing, and I have needed to badly. How quickly our lives change and we get so caught up in the day to day, we forget to stop and appreciate what we have. I feel as though I have been so ungrateful. Now as I am staring a bleak future in the face I look back and wish, I would have stopped and took more time to appreciate all that I have been blessed with.

Tonight as I sat at our General Relief Society Broadcast, I was reminded once again of how blessed I am. President Uchtdorf's talk really hit home for me. He first spoke on how we as women tend to undervalue our abilities. How we should be striving to please the Lord to the best of our abilities-- not perfectly but to the best of our abilities. He then spoke of finding happiness in this life-- something I have a really hard time with. He asked, what is the greatest kind of happiness? The answer God's happiness-- He went on to say that God is a God of CREATION and COMPASSION. This hit me so hard. For MONTHS I have had this burning within me to create and nurture and take care-- of what I don't know-- its been so intense I have almost felt lost. I have been out of control crafting and serving. I was beginning to feel kind of guilty for these feelings. Listening tonight made me realize that these are indeed inherent feelings that we must nurture and strengthen so that we can become more like God. He is the ultimate creator and nurturer. I need to have these desires and I need to find happiness through these things. Now I shouldn't be looking for happiness through receiving praise from others because of my creating or my service. But I should be seeking joy in the mere act of doing so.

I have found this recently-- Joy in service and creating-- amazing feelings arise within me as I have went out with the missionaries, or went visiting teaching, maybe just doing a simple favor, making something I've never made before, perfecting something, finding ways to bring joy to my husband or daughter. These things bring me JOY-- not what curtains I have, or what clothes I am wearing, or how big my house is-- those things are trivial. The thought of possibly having to work full time and losing my freedom to serve and create is what terrifies me most. I love being available if a friend needs help, or taking a day to sit in my studio and create till my hearts content I cherish these moments with all of my heart. Too the point of selfishness almost.

President Uchtdorf quoted President Hinckley as saying, "The more we serve our fellow man the more substance there is to our souls."

I can't tell you the times when I was emotionally and spiritually in anguish-- the only thing to relieve this pain was SERVICE-- Thank You to the Bishop that made me compassionate service leader, thank you to my Aunt who made me the Assistant coach for her little girls softball team, thank you to the Bishop that made me Young Women's president. All took place when I was being swallowed by anguish in my life.

Work does cure your grief! Serving others is such a blessing to ones life. I've had people ask me why I like to go out with the Sister Missionaries, and as I have pondered this I've realized, number one, because I have always wanted to serve a mission, but number two because of the way I feel the rest of the day, and the next few days-- my soul is fed and joy literally abounds.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is such a glorious thing-- it brings me peace and direction in my life. I am so blessed to be a member of Christ's church, to know that I am a daughter of God, to know that my time on this Earth is to be creating and rejoicing and taking care of one another. I only hope to remember this-- to strive to appreciate all the joy and beauty that surrounds me. I know that if I am faithful to the covenants and commandments I have been given, my life will be blessed and I will need not fear.

He Answers Our Prayers

I have had the chance to go out with the Sister Missionaries quite a few times lately. I love it!!! I wish I had time to go every day. Today while I was with them a prayer was answered in a mysterious way.

With Dylan's store not doing well and not knowing from one day to the next if we will have a job, I have been contemplating going back to teaching. In fact last Sunday, I was in the "I suck as a mom" mode and thought, Claire would probably be better off with someone else and I should go back to work. Quickly, a plan formed in my little pea brain. Everything seemed like it would work. Of course this whole little tangent occurred on the way to church. As I sat through church I was quickly reminded why I stay home. All those reasons I feel it important to stay home, especially that this will be my last year home with Claire. But, I still was thinking that going back to work still my be the right thing to do.

Fast forward to this morning. The missionaries called around nine to see if I would be able to go on a visit with them. Me, not having too many responsibilities had an open afternoon and I said that I would love to. I went and it was wonderful, the spirit was strong I got to bear testimony of Eternal Families. I then dropped the Sisters at their next appointment and went home.

An hour later I get a phone call from the Sisters asking if their keys were in my car and checked and they weren't. The sister's showed up on my doorstep second later to check. Nope, no car keys. So I offered to take them back to our original appointment, cause they couldn't get a hold of the gal by phone.

Long story short, the keys were there. Here's the kicker. While I am driving the Sisters back to their house, one of the Sisters is expressing her sincere appreciation for my help. And it hit my like a ton of bricks. This is why I stay home-- so I can serve.

Things are tight, there's no doubt about it. We have also not been living very frugally for the last little while. We need to make some sacrifices on our part. If I were working I would not only miss out on raising my daughter, but I would miss out on all the opportunities there are out there to serve others and build Heavenly Father's Kingdom. My mother has always been a great example of this.

I know that he loves us and will take care of us. I also know that I am here on this Earth to do His work. The Lord takes care of his people. I do have a testimony of that.

He Answers Our Prayers

Things have been quite tight financially since me quitting babysitting and my surgery. Yesterday I did our budget and was thrown into a deep despair. We were going to be in the red this pay period. NOT good. I was stressing and panicking and stressing and panicking. Then the spirit reminded me, everything will work out, it will be okay. Like normal I dismissed this and continued to stress.

This morning I took on the depressing task of balancing with the bank statement. But this time it wasn't so depressing. When all was said and done the bank statement said I had fifty more dollars than my register said, what???? So, I began my research. Sure enough I found a bill I had written in twice. It was almost the exact amount I needed in my account to keep us from overdrawing until payday tomorrow. Coincidence, I think not.

Does this solve my long term financial situation-- NO, but it once again reminds me to have faith. I sometimes think that Heavenly Father is beating me over the head with this stuff and I am still not getting it. What's it going to take for me to get a clue-- Sarah, he listens to your prayers, he knows what you need.

For this upcoming financial stress I want to have faith that things will work out. I don't want to stress. I want to work hard to prove myself and let Heavenly Father take over. I know and believe that he loves me and knows my hearts desire, he's just waiting for me to get with the program.

I Have Seen His Hand

Once again my life has stared the unthinkable in the face. I came home from a month at my mothers and found myself pregnant. Yeah!!!! Not! From the minute I found out I was pregnant there was no excitement. . . none. I was worried because I hadn't been feeling well, I was worried cause I miscarried in February, I was worried because our insurance was cancelled by our employer last month. This pregnancy did not bring the joy the other two had.

There was a reason for that. This pregnancy brought with it a grapefruit sized cyst, a whole lot of pain, a humongous price tag, and no baby.

I am grateful for the priesthood blessing, that I know played a roll in saving my life. I had been bleeding internally for quite a while. I am grateful for that monster cyst that caused me so much pain I had to get things checked out, otherwise I think I would have ignored the other signs. I am grateful for the people who are in my life right now, who make it a little easier to bear this stinking burden. I am thankful for my husband who keeps putting up with me. I am thankful for my innocent daughter who has such simple faith and hope. I know that I am blessed. I know that my life has been spared. I may not feel like it should have been right now, but I know that I have a mission on this Earth. I know that I need to get over myself and focus on what I can be doing to bless the Kingdom of My Heavenly Father.

He Reminds Us That He's There

Dylan's job is not in a very good place right now. We really don't know how long it will last. This has caused a lot of stress at our house. So yesterday, when we found out that Dylan's three small student loans had been paid off by the lender, we were reminded. Reminded that Heavenly Father is there. This is something that doesn't happen by mere coincidence. This truly is a blessing.
It doesn't matter that is wasn't thousands of dollars that were forgiven, but it does matter that we recognize it as a blessing from him. The stress has been not fun, and this was just a small testimony to me that He watches over us, and that regardless of what happens, he will take care of us.
I have had very little faith in this whole process the last few weeks. I've just had this pit in my stomach that we will be homeless. That's me the worry wort. Dylan, on the other hand, has kept saying that everything will work out okay. I now know that it might be hard, but we will make it through.

He Reminds Us

Thank you to the wonderful sisters that I visit teach. I was reminded today that Visiting Teaching is truly an inspired program. I cannot count how many times visiting teachers have blessed my life. I am so grateful that I get the opportunity to pay it forward. He sends us to help each other.

He Answers Our Prayers

Last night before bed Claire prayed that our family would be safe in the storm. When 4:30 a.m. rolled around and we were huddled in the closet I was mumbling the same prayer. After driving around neighboring cities today, I feel so blessed. It was a terrible storm that ripped through here last night, and we managed to escape unscathed. Others were not so lucky, trampolines lying in the streets. Whole fences blown over. Lots of trees snapped in half. Many swimming pools filled with fence. And Claire's basketball is sitting in the same spot it was yesterday. How??? He really does answer our prayers.

He Inspires Us

The last few days I feel I have been inspired by my Heavenly Father.

1. I met with the Bishop yesterday for my temple recommend interview. After talking with him I walked away with a renewed faith and inspiration that my Heavenly Father really does know me, and recognizes how hard I work to do what is right.

2. We had the opportunity to see Gladys Knight and her SUV choir last night. I was so INSPIRED. Her testimony and her husbands were beautiful and the music was amazing. We are so blessed to have great music in our lives.

3. I have been really struggling to find my place in my calling. There are many factors here, and I have just been frustrated. Today, as I was fuming about it I prayed to know what to do. It was amazing the peace and comfort I felt after that. The thoughts and quotes and scripture that came to mind. Heavenly Father knows the intent of my heart, I want to serve him. He inspired me to know what to do and the appropriate way to do it.

He Knows What We Need

Eight years ago, Dylan and I were married in the Salt Lake Temple. Both of us were naive, as each newlywed couple is. Never in a million years would I have thought that I could learn and experience so much. Never in a million years would I have expected the heartache, the trials, the joys, and the growth that I have experienced in the last eight years.
I'm one of those people who always needs a plan, and like every new bride the plan in my head eight years ago was very different from the plan that I am living today. Many times I have been frustrated because things haven't gone "as planned". If I have learned anything it's that He (My Heavenly Father) is in control not me, and the I need to be more willing to submit to and have faith in His plan.
The one thing that I am sure of is, that when I married my husband, Heavenly Father knew what I needed. I needed someone who would open my eyes, show me the world in a new way, and teach me patience, love and most of all forgiveness.
We are here on this Earth to become like Him, this eternal marriage thing isn't perfect from the get go (oh, how I wish it was) the struggle and journey prove to be fruitful. I have seen these fruits already, watching my non-member father in-law become a member, teaching my daughter the gospel, having a husband who is temple worthy, having a livlihood that supports our family. I am sure there are many more great things to come. I know that Heavenly Father knows what I need. I am so glad that I need Dylan.

He Reminds Us

Small, but simple this one is.

Yesterday morning, in that stage between sleep and awake. My thoughts were turned to my bank account balance. Then, it turned to the date, and then it hit me how much money was in my bank account, and that today our car insurance, and savings deduction would come out today. I knew I had already recorded these expenses in my register, but the figure I was remembering online would not allow for these deductions.

Then panic. I was now awake. I ran to the computer and started to do a little research. I had indeed forgotten these monthly deductions that would process at any moment. I had plenty of time to move money around, but had I not taken care of it, I would have had one terrible day yesterday.

Later, I was thinking, why would I think of that yesterday. Why didn't I remember earlier, then it hit me. . . Sarah you didn't remember, you had forgotten, He reminded you.

Too often we look at what we think are coincidences and think wow, what a coincidence. I don't think we give credit where credit is due. I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father. He watches over me. I also know that I have been given the Gift of the Holy Ghost. When I listen I am guided, and I am blessed.